It’s been really easy to confirm to a “party of 3” lifestyle ever since Jakob was born. Whether he’s going places with us because he literally has to (he is just a baby after-all), or we’re taking him somewhere because we just freaking love having him with us whenever we can, it’s been a good transition going from just Tobias-and-Kelly to Tobias-Kelly-and-Jakob.
However…sometimes mom and dad need a little alone time, like most couples and parents do eventually.
It took us a while to make ‘date nights’ happen, but we now really enforce having this private time without the little guy, and here’s why:
Let’s get one of the obvious reasons out — romance. In a world of dirty diapers and not showering for multiple days at a time, there needs to be some time set aside for a little bow chicka wow wow, whatever that may mean! Sometimes we just need an hour sitting outside somewhere, alone, cuddling up, rekindling that romance. But however it gets done, we always try to do some things to reignite that flame and get a few kisses in (without baby eyes on us)
It’s good to talk like an adult for a while, and use adult language. Oh gosh that feels good after long days of “look at the puppy wuppy” and “what a silly goose” (ok we don’t talk THAT baby to him anymore but you get what I mean). I know for me I need that moment to remember that I am a 34 year old woman that doesn’t need to stop myself from saying “ass” all the time, and Tobias and I just need some time to have no filter
It sucks sometimes, but we — meaning Tobias/myself and baby — need to separate ourselves every now and then to gain more independence. When I first realized that separating ourselves at time would help Jakob become more independent when we weren’t there every second of the day, it made me feel a lot more relaxed about leaving for date nights. Then when I realized that it was actually helping ME too become less dependent on him so much too, it was like a no brainer. It seems to weird to say I was dependent on a baby, but I was more or less just insanely attached to him, and it’s good for all of us to be OK when we are apart
Relieve some stress! Being a parent is hard. Heck, just being a human is hard. Get out and do what you need to do to relieve some stress — whether that is having a drink or two, going to get a massage, having a big meal…just de-stress as much as you can
He might not know what he is soaking in, but we want to be a good example to him of what a good, healthy, fun relationship looks like. If we are too rundown or angry with each other (or just in life), then it shows, and he see’s it. When we are goofy with each other, and playful, smiling and all of that — he see’s that too, and his demeanor completely changes. I want him to see his father hold my hand and walk me out. I want him to see his mother smiling at her husband and laughing. His little baby brain is processing these things without him even knowing it, so we only want to put the good stuff in there
Now that the “why we do it” is explained some, here’s how we try to make it actually happen:
We don’t have “set days” or “set plans” all the time — honestly for us that is too stressful because when something comes up we get flustered. If a night (or day!) pops up where we have a babysitter, and we need it, we take it and do something. Don’t put pressure on the date night, it’s not a chore, it’s fun — sometimes you need to be flexible
It’s not always a “dinner” type of traditional date. Sometimes we just take a walk in the park. Sometimes we drive down to the amusement part for the day (need a really nice babysitter those days). Occasionally we even run some errands alone! And of course, we do the nice dinner or movie thing too. The point is a date night isn’t just one type of thing. It’s your time. Make it fun. Make it romantic. Make it chill. Make it whatever works for you
This time alone isn’t the time to talk about a bunch of “serious” stuff; that bill we need to get around paying? The plumber we need to call to get that bathroom fixed? Where are we going to put nana when she visits next month? Important topics yet…but not at that time. Table the real serious talk, that can wait, it’ll be there. Keep it light and focus on each other and the more fun stuff
Don’t feel guilty before, during or after. Easier said than done sometimes, especially when that little baby is looking at you with those big eyes as you leave, but don’t feel the guilt. The baby will be fine. You have earned some time way, some time with your spouse, some time to reconnect or re-energize. It’s for the better, so why would you feel guilty when you’re doing something good?
I would love to hear how other parents, or just busy couples in general, are making their own versions of date nights work! Hopefully hearing how Tobias and I do it and the way we approach it may potentially help some people out there that might be stuck in getting back into that groove.