Before Jakob was born, I was told a lot by friends of ours that had kids that there will be days when he will hate us. He will push us away. He won’t want you to be around him. And I accepted that, and I was ready for that.
Or so I thought.
I absolutely loved my time with Jakob when he was born, because it was basically mommy and him all day, every day. It was amazing. Then one day, it happened…he said “no!” to me. He shouted no right at my face, tried to hit it (with little 1 year old hands of course). and ran away. Now, that alone hurt but what happened right after that really got me…he ran right into dad’s arms yelling “dad!". Let me first disclaim that I absolutely love the bond my child and Tobias have, it’s beautiful and loving and I think they are the cutest boys ever. But, that first day where Jakob chose daddy over me really stung, a lot more than I thought it would.
Long story short, Jakob went thru a long period of wanting daddy way more than mommy. Dad was the first name in the morning, there was crying when dad had to leave work, he needed dad when mommy just wasn’t cutting it in the cuddling department. The longer this went on, it very much got to me. Got to my brain and my heart. I thought “why doesn’t my son love me?” and “what am I doing differently where he doesn’t want me at all?”. It got to a point where I was definitely shedding some tears, and trying to find some type of answers of why the heck this was happening.
Like most people, I went to the 2 most credible sources I know: my friends, and the Internet (duh).
Here is what I have accepted when it comes to my son’s uber loving relationship with his father:
First of all, all of my jealous thoughts and feelings centered around this: TOTALLY NORMAL! In a weird way I was sooo relieved when I would hear friends (or strangers on the Internet) say they ran into the same exact thing. That mommy was zero and daddy was hero, and they felt sad, jealous, resentful, mad, all of the same things I was feeling. The fact alone that this was a “normal” thing out there in the world of mommyhood was an insane relief off my shoulders. So if anybody is out there feeling the same way — welcome to the club!
Let’s revisit mommy/son time vs daddy/son time: I am with my son for majority of the day, every single day. I work from home, with my son. I take him to all the doctors appointments. I drop him off to Grandma & Grandpa’s. I was up with him every 2 hours the first month or so of his life. We live about 10 of the 15 or so waking hours (of the weekday) tied to the hip. Dad on the other hand - he has to go into the office everyday, he often travels for work, he can have busy work days where he can’t make all appointments…he often only gets about 2-3 good hours of each workday with Jakob (sometimes not even that). So when my pediatrician reminded me that the excitement Jakob gets when he finally gets to see Tobias, versus the “excitement” he gets seeing me every single moment of every single day, is quite different. Tobias is like Santa Claus to him, popping up as a happy surprise, playing and laughing! When it got put to me like this, I got it. Let’s face it, when I was a kid I’d rather see Santa Claus too over my parents (sorry mom & dad).
Embrace it! This has been the hardest to do, but I know I have to. Again, I love their relationship, especially when I think of the alternative (them having no relationship or there being hate between them). Instead of letting jealousy or anger come over me, I have to see the beauty in it — ok maybe Jakob is saying no to me at the time, but he is saying yes to his father and that is awesome (it could be worse, he could be saying yes to like a stranger or weirdo). Celebrate their bro-mance, it’s beautiful.
Cherish when he actually does choose mommy over daddy — because it will come back! This stage of Jakob only wanting daddy lasted a long time, like too long in my book, BUT eventually the day came where he actually chose mommy over daddy! Of course it was probably short lived, but it reminded me that this is going to bounce around. One day it will be daddy, one day mommy, one day the dog, one day Grandma, one day nobody — so the day’s he does choose mommy I hold on to those moments. When he wants to cuddle with me instead, soak it all in.
So yes, I am often jealous my song wants his father more than me…but I know deep in my heart that he loves me unconditionally and mommy will always be his #1 lady. And on those days he only wants daddy — I now just go take a nap!